Sunday Banter and Diet Review

I love lists, maybe because I have Gemini Rising. MSN.com had a list of 12 foods that are good for your mood. I saw that magic number 12 and actually thought I could match each food to a different sign. I tried but I can't do it. I did however manage to figure out how to insult each sign according to whatever mental illness they might be most vulnerable too or whatever food might make them sickest in some other sort of way. So, if you're a sweet person please do not read further because it will put you in a Bad Mood.

The list is from the book The Good Mood Diet: Feel Great While You Lose Weight by Susan Kleiner. I personally wouldn't recommend some of these foods from a nutritional stand-point, but, having been anorexic for all of my teen years, I do know that they will help you lose weight. You also have to enjoy starving.

1. Popcorn. Aquarius. That's obvious.

2. Pork. Has neurotransmitter choline which is good for heart attack, stroke, dementia, cancer. B Vitamins for stress. Gemini and Virgo.

3. Coffee. Scorpio so they can work those 14 hour days and still have energy for sex. Great Diuretic. Not recommended for nervous people and self-mutilators.

4. Diet Cola. Knocks off cravings. I personally don't recommended for anyone with weak bones and teeth so Capricorn is out. Good for compulsive signs who need to suck on things and need to diet constantly like Cancer and Sagittarius. I know that the artificial sweeteners in Diet Sodas can bring on psychosis so what this is doing on a list for Moody people? I can't imagine. The writer is "in denial." People who are "In Denial" are often in a very Good Mood, though, have you noticed?

5. Fat Free Milk. I didn't write down what the article said about the "Blue Milk". You can imagine it has something to do with Calcium being calming and good for the bones. I personally don't recommend for anyone who is lactose intolerant which is most of the planet except Wisconsin. Virgo Sun has lots of digestive problems so should switch to Rice Milk. Cancer Moon is allergic to everything so should stay away from everything but maybe they actually like all that comes from the Mammaries. Maybe good for Capricorn for Calcium (although my Virgo friend tells me milk actually causes acidity in the bones). Good for menstrual cramps so maybe good for afflicted Pluto. It's all those artificial hormones they feed to the cows in order to make them crank it out.

6. Eggs. Yolk has Lecithin which is good for brain cells. What was Eraserhead's diet? Remember the Radiator Lady tap-dancing on the chicken embryos? I think Pisces hate Eggs most, something about being the last sign and having to face the rebirthing trauma over into Aries. Maybe best for Cardinal Signs who like things in their beginning phases.

7. Hot Cocoa. Has phytochemicals which lifts mood and lowers blood pressure. Leo and anyone else who like to snuggle.

8. Dark Chocolate. Has anti-aging effect on the brain. Good for all the signs except for Scorpio and anyone else who can get their sex through natural means.

9. Nuts. Brain food. That's nuts! Get it? Has Choline which is good for Alzheimer's & depression. The Air Signs, maybe Pisces. There seems to be a new best nut of the year every year now. This year, Walnuts are the best. My aunt ate 6 raw almonds a day in order to get just the right amount of arsenic in her system to fight off her Lymph Cancer. It worked. She's a Taurus -- so, Almonds are for Bulls.

10. Turkey. Tryptophan. Good for mood and for sleep and for relatives who talk too much at the holidays. In my case that would be the Mutable Signs. You just have to get them to shut up and eat.

11. Whole grains. Good for elimination. Earth Signs plus Pluto. The entire Pluto in Virgo generation just can't get enough roughage although I believe that most Virgos can't tolerate wheat. What can they eat?

12. Grape Juice. Polyphenols good for heart & stroke. Reverses aging in the brain. That's because only people under drinking age drink it. The rest of us progress to Red Wine; then AA. Anyway, I give this one to the Fixed Signs although I think the Water Signs will take to anything liquid most easily.