Out the Comet's Ass

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Monday, November 15, 2010


2 million people die every year due to bad sanitation. 20 percent of the world's population poops in the open. 20 percent of all childrens' deaths are related to such bad sanitation. So there are a bunch of white people out there who intend to fix this problem. Hope they know what they're getting in to.


After the last couple of years living in the Silicon Valley with super rich and successful people (I'm told that young Asian girls won't date a guy unless he makes at least $200,000, can't get more materialistic or arrogant than that) and failed sewer and failed underground plumbing infrastructure (water, sewer and gas) and seeing how immigrants can't smell any of this over their diet and how they think you're being a bigot if you say "Hey, why does the water in the toilet smell like General Fo's Chicken?" and seeing how the newspapers won't print articles about it unless it happens on a Siberian tundra and how the public utilities won't do a damn thing about it unless half a town blows to smithereens (San Bruno, Sept. 9) -- well, after all that, I can't imagine what all the hullabaloo is about. Why bother fixing the sewers? Some people of the world will then be able to smell their food, and, well, these people can move across oceans, they can learn 30 languages, they can dress in Brooks Brothers, but take their grease away and they kill. Dudes, there's flavors underneath those flavors, give it a try. Flavors, textures, Julia Child, ah well, gotta admit I prefer Yan can Cook.

What can I say? People resist the idea that their shit stinks. This is a universal struggle that plagues all of mankind no matter where you go on this stinky old globe. I'd like to say that White People know that their shit stinks, but I keep remembering the Bush Administration. And, also, I've noticed that those big boned blond milk maid types never wash their hands after using public bathrooms. I've literally stood there stricken for ten minutes before putting my hand on the door knob after watching one of them grab it and smear their bacterial poo all over it.

I listened to a book on tape called "The Lies Your History Teacher Told You" (I think that's what it's called) and it turns out that the European settlers killed off the Indians on the East Coast just by exposing the natives to diseases which were directly caused by their reluctance to take a bath. This was unintentional, no one knew what the hell was going on back then, but the book says it as if it were intentional. This is why Stephen Hawking is warning us not to talk to aliens when they come. They won't be mean, our biology just won't mesh well right off the bat.) Back to the Stinkers. The book tells of One Tribal Chief who actually couldn't follow through with negotiations with one of the pilgrims because he couldn't handle the way the guy smelled. Now, Good Luck finding an East Indian who isn't waiting for his neighbor to complain in order to file a lawsuit against the poor puss. East Indian food comes through the walls, it clogs the drains, it clogs the electrical wiring, it gets in all your possessions, it gets in the heating ducts. And, it smells bad to begin with. Those spices are used for people who don't have access to water in the first place.

So we're going through this again and we are not learning from history. Immigrants honest to God don't know the difference. Or they do know the difference and they realize that their diet is the best WMD on earth. Cleaing out the neighborhood with it. Sweet n. Sour pork comes out of their faucets and this just means to them that last night's dinner tasted great. This is not a health issue. No. It's not.

So, after watching Jon Stewart's Comedy Show a couple of weeks ago, I sought out another episode through the Internet and found last Friday night's show. Rosario Dawson was on and she's cool so I sat through it. Then I got to see the Latino bigot thing. Rosario started in on her Latina activism which is impressive, but then she had to add her knowledge of American History which is, no shock, not vast. And so Rosario mentioned that the Chinese built the railroads. She said it with a gasp as if they sacrificed in the same way that Mexicans do who are carving shrubs into spheres and cubes. Since, in my area you can't hear a Latina talk about the Chinese without hearing the word "fish face," there's never a thing where they are given credit for being decent people, so that's nice of Rosario.

But, Rosario forgot to mention that the Irish also built the railroads. The Irish are white, lily white, and that's why Rosario couldn't register their presence in her little actress head.

So I had to check.

Were the Irish too drunk to show up for work all those years?

Did they just take credit for what the Chinese actually did.

It's possible.

It sure as hell wasn't my relatives.

But it's also possible that Hispanics don't know History.

Jon Stewart's show is never bigoted, after all. They would have hacked that bit of bigotry out, even if it was about White People and we are all just on auto-pilot about the White People. But, Comedy Central likes to be nice and make Rosario Dawson look like a girl who appeals to a broad audience. Does Jon Stewart hate the Irish?

So I looked up the History of the Railroads story on the Internet and found something written on the PBS website about the building of the railroads.


Yes, the Irish did build the railroads. But PBS hates the Irish and likes the Chinese. The Chinese obviously give generously at pledge drives and the Irish probably not so much. And, it's probably true, the Irish were butt heads to work with. They were hungover and complained a lot so the railroad started to employ the Chinese who are hard workers. The Irish are hard workers but they also can't keep their damn mouths shut and the Chinese spoke Chinese and the Irish need to gab, it's their gift, and, like I said, they were hungover.

The Chinese don't drink which is a lot easier for employers. That would have been really difficult for the Irish. This isn't because the Chinese don't like to get drunk. It's because their kidneys have morphed over centuries of famines to process glucose in a survivalist mode which turns their faces beet red if they take even a swig. So the Chinese can't fly on two wings as my Grandmother called it.

I can't explain the physiology, maybe it's not true, but I think I read that factoid somewhere and it's fascinating. And the Irish had gone through a couple of famines themselves which could possibly explain their situation with glucose tolerance or lack thereof.

So the PBS story said that the Irish couldn't get along with the Chinese for several reasons, all of the reasons were blamed on the Irish. Chinese xenophobia would have had nothing to do with any of it. At any rate, it's good policy to stay silent unless you want to be blamed for everything that happens by PBS. I stopped donating at pledge drives because I got tired of all the junk mail. The Chinese ability to be silent is perhaps the reason why they are complaining about being censored right now. And, of course, both cultures could have learned from each other and tried to get along but that usually happens after it's too late.

So, back to the original topic. One of the reasons why the Irish couldn't get along with their co-workers was that Chinese food stinks. The Irish were just supposed to suck it up in the same way that I'm supposed to pretend that bathing in other people's back flow is okay in the Silicon Valley. Obviously this is something that affects even a person who is only 1/4 Irish.

And then the article went on to say that the reason why the Irish nose is just so hyper super duper neurotic sensitive is because the Irish boil all their food which makes it bland. Yes, well, I have some childhood stories about flushing boiled potatoes and oatmeal down toilets so I can agree on that. And the Irish came to the U.S. because for a while there they couldn't even get the potatoes to grow.

Thing is, boiled food is a lot easier on the plumbing than fried food is. If you come from a land which has a lot of rain you sort of inherently understand how water works. And, this isn't bad. If there's a leak in a gas line somewhere an Irish person will smell it. Obviously, Hispanics can't. And the Irish compensate for the lack of taste in their food by talking a lot at dinner. That's why they are interesting people to talk to and the Chinese are sort of boring. And talking must build mental muscle or something which creates a need to come up with original thought, okay so most of it is just either offensive or weird. It might have something to do with why White People like the Irish think of things like good hygiene, newspapers, dam building (something the Chinese have taken a liking to doing on sort of a massively stupid scale in their own country). And the Chinese invented gun powder which means that in the end "theirs" is bigger than "ours" anyway.

And, well, the Irish don't boil everything. They also bake and saute and visit Italian restarants and they would barbecue if it weren't so cold outside, I'm pretty sure of it. And they sing and dance and recite poetry and laugh their heads off.

So, Hello PBS, your article, like Jon Stewart's show, is smacking of super awesome bigotry against White People, er at least against the 1/4 Protestant Irish in this one little instance. The Irish suffered great debility through famines so we have a glucose complaint of our own.

The Irish were as poor as anybody who came to this country. And they worked extremely hard and they invented all kinds of cool shit. They created the idea of the American Dream just as much as anyone did.

And they didn't bring the bedbugs the way the Latinos did, Rosarioooooooooo. I know because the bed bug infestation was one of my Grandmother's scariest immigration to L.A. stories. Her Father told the children that they were going to live in the city of the Angels and they thought there would be fairies and angels under every rock, every White kids' fantasy upbringing stories, etc. And they kept saying where are the Angels, Daddy? What's biting me? Ooo gross, fucking get it off of me!!!!!! oooo, ooooo, eeek! Hurry hurry squash it.

So, Jon Stewart isn't necessarily a bigot. I mean, he's a double Sadge so in his private time he's probably got some thoughts about things. His show? They should have axed that comment. Rosario Dawson? She must have been in the 50 percent Latino group that doesn't graduate from high school. She's highly successful so what's she complaining about anyway? Guess she is stuck having to take care of all those damn relatives if we don't. But PBS? Wow, that situation just really stinks.

And good luck fixing the sewer systems of the world. There's no tougher resistance to self improvement than to think that one's shit really does stink.

And did I ever tell you about E.T.A. Hoffman? Talking about fairies. He's the guy who wrote Nutcracker Suite, the famous Christmas ballet. Thing is, before he wrote Nutcracker Suite he was hired by the Prussians to give the Jews their crazy last names. Literally he forced the last name "Kanalgeruch" on some poor schmo. Read about it here. This also, really stinks.

"In Prussia special military commissions were created to chose the names.
It became common that the poorer Jews were forced to adopt derogatory,
offensive or simply bizarre names.

Among those created by Ernst Theodor Amadeus Hoffmann were:

Ochsenschwanz - Oxtail

Temperaturwechsel - Temperatureglitch

Kanalgeruch - Sewerstink

Singmirwas - Singmesomething".

Jews who wanted a desirable name had to pay for it.
There is a joke about the man whose friend consoled him because he hadn't
had enough money to buy a nice name such as Rosenberg or Lilienthal and
ended up with Schweissgeruch. His response was, "oi, what I had to pay for
the w".






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