The Sacred and the *$&@%&#!

Happy Halloween! Time to be Scary again. Tear up the bed sheets. Wave your arms around. Steal some candy. Thing is you gotta cackle! Today's blog is about Nasty Words. Cussing. Swearing. Things that go bump in your mouth according to your Sign.

Before we start with today's bravado, let it be known that, according to all the generous psychologists out there who are diligently trying to mold us into conformity, Cussing and Swearing are good for Morale at work!!! (These guys get paid for this! Will wonders never cease?) Here's a link to an article called "What the Bleep" by Jennifer Waters on Yahoo Finance, Oct. 26, 2007 on how using profanities at work makes the little minutes just tick on by. http://finance.yahoo.com/career-work/article/103769/What-the-Bleep?mod=weekend.

I was going to write this Blog in celebration of Scorpio anyway. "Mercury" and "Pluto" rule Profanity according to the Rex Bills' book.

Over the years, now that my Wisdom has gone ancient, I've observed how many signs seem to cuss in their own way. They create their own "Style Swear Word Stigma". At least in my family this is so.

For starters there's my Scorpio Father. He was almost always silent but when he did swear he always seemed to use Scorpio Imagery. When he wasn't too pissed off, he would say "Judas Priest!" Just like a Scorpio to turn to use Traitor imagery first. Then everything after that was Genitilia Imagery. "Man, he really shot his wad!" "She's a Ball Basher." "Kick him in the Balls and he'll never come back." You know, Scorpio wisdom. It's right...to the...point.

Then there's my Virgo Brother. He speaks Spanish and likes to remind everyone that the Spaniards are the best Cussers because all their profanities are based on their diet, mostly Meats and Vegetables. I've never asked him for it but I'm sure I could get a nice, clean Virgonian list at any moment.

And there's the Pisces Cousins. Pisces like to be high and don't want to say anything that will bring anybody down. Besides they'd rather fart in public than swear just because they're so good with gas. Pisces always know how to dance around the subject so they may not say "Fuck" per se, but it is generally implied somewhere in their aura. They're not real communicative people and they feel really bad for anyone who is.

Then there was my Mother the Sagittarius. Society peaks out with the Sagittarian Expletive. For some reason, the Capricorns, next sign over, can only swear when they're grumpy, that's not cool. But the Sagittarians are Jolly Cussers. Anybody who has a Sagittarius Mother knows what I mean. Our childhoods were spent being led by the hand through stores while our mothers cussed out every salesperson they had dealings with. And, oddly, by the time we walked away the person was laughing and loving her and begging her to return. So Sagittarians get a lot of practice and start to develop their metaphors in order to really bring out the Art. 4 Letters are fine for certain occasions but the literary attempts are what it's really all about. Sometimes they're original, sometimes they take credit for others' originality, but they're always well-informed and up-to-date because they spend so much time competing with all the other Sagittarians while burning holes in their Bar Stools. Even when they're sober, they're great. They can mix the Concrete with the Abstract and the Sacred with the Profane. Think Mark Twain and Jon Stewart and you get the Genius of this sign. The more lovable a person is apparently, the better his cussing will be.

Then there was my Irish Grandmother, the Gemini. She was obviously the reason why my Sadge Mother was so well-educated in this regard. The Gemini's are so fucking god-damned observant, they immediately have to comment on all that is going wrong. Sometimes they lack the panache that the Sagittarians do, most of the time they are just really fun because nobody else would comment on that crap. My Grandmother was mostly into Social and Political Commentary. She'd bring in the Pope and the President at a heart beat, for example. There was that time that she, a loyal Republican, was listening to a speech on TV from the other room and started calling the guy an S.O.B. Finally she whipped the ladle out of the pot she was stirring and said "Who the Hell is that Idiot?" "Johnson!" Although she said nothing after that I found out that Gemini's can speak ((embarassment)) and ((silence)) aloud and as if they were swear words.

Tauruses are cool cucumbers. In my family we have only the Female variety. They pride themselves on being even tempered and kind. That's bull shit, of course. Nobody laughs harder at the Fucks and Shits that come out of the Gemini and Sagg mouths. My Aunt was constantly reminding us that we ought not speak badly of others in that way, but, man, her laugh lines were chiseled in pretty deep from a fairly early age.

My Step-Mother the Taurus is another story. Like most ruthless people, she would only say "poopy." She truly believes that she can avoid going to Hell by doing this. But God knows what's on your mind and her mind was nothing but "poopy." There's nothing worse than being a teenage girl trying to cook Thanksgiving dinner with the woman who's torn apart your family and, in order to impress you, is cackling uproariously about how most of the food reminds her of "nasties", especially with a limited vocabulary of only "poopy." She actually thought she could compete with my Sagittarius Mother on this one. I still gag while thinking about how she was flopping the Turkey neck around while my Father was watching football in the room next door.

Oh, then there's my Libra Step-Sister. Libra women don't swear, it's not gracious. And besides she, like my Step-Mother, thought she could avoid going to Hell. So our arguments were mostly her saying "You need to get the broom stick out of your .... you know what!" She couldn't even say that she had to go to the Bathroom because "Bathroom" is a nasty word. It was "Restroom." She wasn't going in there to pee, she was going in to rest. Now she works for Homeland Security. No wonder why nobody sent help to New Orleans. The place wasn't flooded with sewage -- those bodies weren't floating, they were resting.

And speaking of anal retention in Government: I used to work in a Law Library. Those EPA Documents would make Larry Flint blush if only he could understand them. 10 million ways to describe Shit in Latin derivatives and hyphenated words. Wastewater. Bio-solids. Fecal contamination. One day a Sagg librarian started giggling and giggling and said she was going to call up the Head of the Department of Waste Water Management just to talk dirty to him. I should have asked her for the list. Truth is, I can't remember any of the words that are longer than 4 letters.

Oh, and then there's my sign. The Sun in Cancers. That's right, I'm a Cancer. Fuck You if you don't like it. We're silly, goony and we laugh at ourselves and get hurt when other people laugh at us. We're extremely foul mouthed just because those are the easiest words to say. And having Capricorn on the other end of the axis usually means that we get caught. Think about George Bush swearing to Tony Blair and getting caught with the microphone on. Well, that's what you get for talking with your mouth full (literally and figuratively). I remember watching Johny Carson's last Tonight Show where Robin Williams, a Cancer, got chastised by Bette Midler for being a crotch grabber. He of the endless comebacks and innovations was completely struck dumb. He curled up like a bad little Cancer boy and didn't say anything for the rest of the night. And all that because Bette Midler of all people, the Queen of Raunch, was over-moralizing about his jokes. "Right in the Balls!" as my Scorpio Father would say.